1.    It’s so great that I’m doing this! I’m going to look awesome naked in no time. Maybe I’ll buy a pair of those tiny racing shorts.

2.    I’m only going to eat really healthy and get up more often to do this before work. Maybe at like 4:30. It’ll just be part of my day, I’ll be the super fit person in the office who peple get health advice from. I should buy more quinoa.

3.    God, what have i been doing lately? Everything is so tight and crampey. I probably need more salt in my diet, it’s definitely that and not that I’m out of shape.

4.   I need to pee already. Too far from the house, better stick it out. Maybe this will make me run faster?

5.    Remember, high knees and even strides! Alternate arms! This feels weird. Why am I running like this? Is this how it always is? I feel like a velociraptor.

6.    Does that dog have an owner? Why isn’t he on a leash? Oh god, he looks dangerous, maybe I should maintain eye contact to assert my dominance, that’s what the Dog Whisperer says.

7.    Ugh, I can’t wait for a shawarma after this. I deserve it.

8.    Oh no, another jogger. Why are they keeping pace with me? Do I slow down behind them or accelerate? Obviously I can outrun them. Stop speeding up!

9.    Oh, look at that group of attractive people over there! Let’s speed up a little so they can see how fit i am…Okay, now I’m winded. They didn’t even look. Why did i do that?

9.    Here comes the hill! Aaannd accelerate! Why am I moving so slowly? Maybe I need to move my arms more quickly to get momentum. If I were a car, I wouldn’t purchase me.

10.  Where is my breath? I thought I was in decent shape! This run has broken me down to nothing. I have no ego. I am like Buddha.

11. Let’s take this opportunity to stop and pretend I need to re-tie my shoe for a little breather. I deserve it.

12.  In through your nose and mouth, out through your mouth. I look like a hamster. But an athletic hamster.

13.  Nose, stop dripping! I can only snort the snot back in so much before it starts getting difficult to breathe. Ugh, is anybody looking? Snot rocket time. Christ, that felt good.

14.  Whew, it’s hotter than I thought. I wonder if sweating more will make me thin faster. It burns more calories, right?

15.  Ekk, these shorts are not supposed to be tucked up there. Maybe I can keep jogging and unwedgie myself without people noticing! Nope, they noticed.

16.  My thighs are rubbing together hard enough to start a fire. This chafing is unholy. Maybe this is why everybody was so obsessed with that thigh gap a while ago…

16.  Have officially stopped trying to untuck my shorts. Stay up there for all I care, I have transcended such trivial matters.

17.  Things don’t hurt anymore! I broke through to the otherside! I am a golden god! I could run forever!

18.  Or maybe just another quarter mile. After that it’s brownie time.